Wednesday, March 3, 2010

"Fender AH! Herring" part 2

"The doctor will call you back in a minute." 

"Sure," I think, "More like thirty minutes at least."

"Mrs. Branch, the doctor will see you now."

"Wow! That was amazing! It really was just a minute!"

My husband wheeled his mother back to the office where she was going to be fitted for her very own heart monitor.  My brother-in-law and I were left in the waiting room and were just about to embark on meaningful conversation when we heard, "Mumsimekms mdilsd liken see Turner County?"

We both looked to our left to see where the noise was coming from and if it was perhaps being directed at us.

"Shrieknls did kdmiimel  marsjklsi msilke the hogs?"

I laughed. Not a guffaw because I still wasn't sure if these comments were directed at us or not. The speaker of these ...words...I use the term loosely...was kind of looking my direction... yet kind of out the window...

"Mmsuseter cimehie thurf grewtentslop pecans?"

I laughed a little louder as it was becoming clearer he meant for us to react and answer a question as the inflection of his voice went up everytime he paused which is the general way a question is posed in the English language (I did remember something from Speech 101!) But I couldn't figure out why the final word was so understandable and the rest sounded like he was talking with marbles in his mouth.

"Cokiesl eijsjile muyitlitje weqislido djfid  dmusleiejkke cows and PIGS!"

This time he raised his voice on the last word and he chuckled so we were apparently supposed to laugh with him. I did! I guffawed and what a relief it was! I don't know what he said but at least I had the correct response. I looked at my brother-in-law to see if he got the joke. He was not even smiling. He stood up and said, "I gotta get to the house. Y'all stop by." I will so pay him back later.

A little lady with white hair came out of the restroom and sat in front of Marble Mouth.

"His wife? Possibly. I wonder if she mumbles?"

"Excuse me. Could you hand me that magazine?"

She did NOT mumble. I was relieved. I sat back in my chair and relaxed a little. If he started "talking" again at least I had an interpreter.

"Cuirliems slimopemf mmdkuls mselim. Muiopme jilsmefcasei sleopdol chain saw?"

Again with the questions! What part of me gives the impression I can talk about farming? I smiled and nodded and looked toward White Hair for an interpretation. She was engrossed in Cosmo! Why didn't I hand her Reader's Digest or Field and Stream? What's Cosmo doing in an office geared toward geriatrics anyway? (Don't answer that please...)

Suddenly she raises her head and looks at me. Marble mouth is still mumbling and pointing wildly out the window. I keep cutting my eyes toward the doctor's door.

"How long can it take to strap on a heart monitor ?!"

Mrs. White Hair proceeds, "Do you have children dear?"

"Yes, ma'am. We have four. Two in college."

I have no idea why I thought that information was relevant except it might prolong the conversation with someone I didn't have to pretend to understand. In the meantime he was still going at it. She ignored him so I did too. Kind of.

"Eriwomek fmkldop wiemt slieop in COLLEGE!"

"I know, dear," she said. "She sure doesn't." She looked back at her magazine.

"What don't I? Hello! Don't I what? I don't have money to put my kids in college? I don't look old enough to have kids in college (I decide to go with that one)" 

I laugh.  I say "thank you" under my breath in case I've been paid a compliment.

"We never had children of our own but we had one we fostered for many years."

"Jioeporm mskldie sje oekrl eiiowl fjsliep aweile slow."

I think he's still talking about the pigs so I laugh...again.

"Hoppe msielmfisl mkdislew chopmkd make fun of handicapped people."

Oh no! Those words were clear as a bell! Did he think I was making fun of handicapped people because I laughed at the wrong time? Hey lady, put down your dirty magazine and help me out here! Where is the camera? There's got to be a hidden camera somewhere!

"Our foster daughter is mentally handicapped and she is just the sweetest thing."

"I didn't mean to...I would never...will you excuse me? I need to use the restroom."

"Lopemrild mdisle mivsiew pretty thing. Mislej sjildjle mmuliem John Deere?"

I texted my husband from the ladies' room:   "Hiding n bthrm. Noc whn rdy 2 leev."


  1. OUCH! My dad has gone to the same mumbling barber for 20 years. My dad is also very hard of hearing. We always think they must have two very different conversations running between them.

  2. ROFL Hyterical! I would have hid in the bathroom as well...and tried not to laugh as I walked out of the room...but since I don't own a cell phone (yes, I live on Planet Earth) I would have just peeked out occaisionally or gone outside to wait!

  3. Oh no. Bless your heart. What a terrible thing. Two of my kids mumble and it drives me nuts. But, even if I insult them I don't have to hide in the bathroom. Although sometimes I do because it is quiet in there:)

  4. hahaahahaha. oh man. i'm so glad i have you in my life.

    also. sometimes i mumble non-sense to people in waiting rooms just for fun. could be he was doing the same. probably he was.


"Thank you, and do come back now, ya heah?"
(No she didn't...yes she did.)