Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Kim's Pantyhose Story

This is not my story. This is Kim's story. She has told it countless times. It gets longer, louder, crazier every time. I can't do it justice, but I don't think its ever been in print. I have her permission, so this is my attempt to recreate what has come to be known as THE PANTYHOSE STORY.

"The top is something you go over!"    This describes Kim perfectly! Everything about her is over the top: makeup, hair, clothes, personality, friendship, her love for family and for her God.


She won a regional pageant singing Reba McIntyre's "Fancy" and went on to become Miss Georgia, 1993. She hosts a local TV show but that's about to change....


Beloved was just getting off the ground and had been invited to sing at a fundraiser. Kim suggested they do a costume change in the middle of the program. The other two girls weren't really in favor but when Kim makes a "suggestion" she's really saying, "here's what we're going to do!"


They decided to change from denim outfits to something more dressy so Kim went to buy pantyhose for the occasion.


 Kim reviewed  the size graphs on the back of the charts. Do you remember the day when, according to the graph detailing your height and weight, you had moved from A to B, or B to QUEEN? (For the gentleman and younger readers I need to say that although women are generally in favor of being a queen, or being treated like a queen, when it comes to pantyhose we would rather not be considered a 'queen'.)


Kim is not petite. She is 5'9" and will tell you herself she gained "ten pounds for every year and I've been married five years. Do the math!" Thankfully she passed the fifth year without adding any extra, and she is a beautiful woman who works it. According to the pantyhose chart Kim was well into the 'Queen' category.


But Kim was feeling sassy. Kim was feeling confident. Kim was getting...cocky. We've all been there.


"These charts often run large. If you look real close I'm closer to the B shade than the Q shade. Its reeeally close. I didn't eat breakfast either so that should put me in a B. Oh! And I had to park clear across Egypt and must have walked half a mile across the parking lot so that would definitely put me in a B."


So she got off-black, control-top, sandal-foot pantyhose, size "B".


I once heard that Dolly Parton's daddy told her "you can't squeeze fifty pounds of mud in a five pound sack."  Kim was attempting to do just that.


Push, pull, shove, rearrange, twist, untwist, take them off, start again. Bend over, stand up, sit down, back up, lay down. Squat, stand, squat, stand, squat, stand sloooowly. DONE! Everything's in a nice, neat smooth package. Nevermind the bulge across the top of the band, thanks to the 'control' part. Don't even think about the burn in the crotch. Turn sideways and look in the mirror. Oh, yeah! That's nice!


The ladies go back onstage to close out the meeting. The money has been collected. The mood is quiet and prayerful. Kim begins speaking in a somber tone with her head tilted slightly down to introduce the final song. 


"We want to thank you for this oppor..." BOOM! Zzzzzzippp! The sound of a car tire exploding would not have been more disruptive. She raised her head to see if anyone heard. All eyes were staring straight at her as if she had just turned green. Kim, not one to be outdone, even by exploding pantyhose, preceeded with her speech. " You all have been so...BOOM! Zzzzzippp! The other leg gave way, causing her to jolt forward.


"My off-black, control-top, sandal-toe, size B pantyhose immediately became fish-nets!"


The five pound bag had exploded and fifty pounds of mud came oozing out. The lycra threads that were trying desperately to hold themselves together pulled tight against her flesh, giving her legs the texture of corrugated cardboard.


For most of us we'd be through. We would leave the stage and never look back. We'd certainly ask someone else to pray why we scadaddled! Kim is not like the rest of us.


She leaned forward, pointed her long, manicured nail at the gentleman sitting on the front row to her left. The poor man's face was white as a sheet, not because he had been called out, but because the woman standing in front of him was apparently exploding or imploding; either one being very, very bad.


"Sir," she stared at the frightened man with mesmerizing blue eyes. "You may want to move. These off-black, control-top, sandal-toe, size B pantyhose are giving way and you are right in the line of fire!"


He moved.

9 comments:

  1. hahahaa. oh man. kim sounds like a blast. kinda like what happened to the hose.

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  2. Hilarious...omg...that is so funny! I have tears...thanks for making me smile today...have a great Tuesday! Love it!

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  3. Oh my gosh! I'd pass out. That is hilarious!

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  4. Hi Leanne,

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Well, it seems we both like to laugh. That pantyhose story is incredibly funny! I will be back to read more. I cant type to well today, I sliced 2 of my fingertips yesterday trying to clean my dishwasher or did that thing bite me LOL. I'm not sure. See you soon! : )

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  5. That's the Kim I know and love

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  6. That is hilarious. She has got to be loads of fun!

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  7. I met Kim in the early 90s...sounds like she's not changed a bit!

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  8. Those charts need a disclaimer. When I was so thin I was in danger of blowing away in a strong wind I was a Queen size. Okay, I am 5 foot 7 inches tall but even when I weighed 50 pounds less than I do now I still needed Queen.

    I screamed when I read this.

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  9. Oh my gosh, I am laughing out loud!

    Thanks for visiting and commenting yesterday, looking forward to following you!

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